March 2008
13 posts
Poll: 20% of Democrats are fucking idiots, other...
According to a poll of Democratic voters conducted by Franklin & Marshall College’s Center for Opinion Research, roughly 20 percent of respondents are goddamn assholes, shiteaters, and cockgobblers, among other descriptions laced with profanity.
The poll found that 20 percent of Obama supporters would vote for Republican John McCain if Clinton wins the Democratic nomination. ...
Family's heads explode after accidently watching 3...
The Willis family of Wyoming, all fans of FOX News Channel since its debut ten years ago, watched Brit Hume and Shepard Smith over dinner every evening
Coroner blames tragic accident on faulty antenna, faggy Eurotrash
As Fox News Channel celebrates a decade of excellence in New York, a small town in Wyoming is seeking answers after a tragic incident in which an entire family’s heads all...
Cheat codes for Diebold voting machines to enhance...
Official: “What good is democracy if it’s not fun and unpredictable?”
Diebold Elections Systems confirmed today that the latest version of their proprietary voting software includes numerous cheat codes which can be used by voters to unlock special ballot areas which award votes to candidates via several unique, interactive methods.
Video-game channel G4’s Cheat! series...
Election Day moved to yesterday due to terror...
Republicans pull off stunning upset
Official: Precinct voting locations, dates, times had to be kept secret for citizens’ safety
Washington — The national election scheduled for today has been rescheduled to yesterday, and preliminary results show that Republicans have maintained decisive control of Congress. The Federal Election Commission said that the threat of a major...
President expected to remind nation that he still...
President Bush’s last State of the Union address is expected to serve as a harsh reminder to the American people that he doesn’t leave office until January 20, 2009, still providing him ample opportunities to personally rape the entire world, administration officials said.
Bush will systematically go though the litany of plans he has for the rest of his term, White House spokesman...
Edwards drops out to spend more time with his hair
NEW ORLEANS — John Edwards announced Wednesday that his presidential bid has come to an end. An Edwards adviser said that the former Senator is looking forward to spending more time conditioning, brushing, and looking at his hair.
“I began my presidential campaign to remind the country that we have a moral responsibility to each other,” he said. “I came to realize that...
McCain endorsed by Vietnam captors
In yet another example of the trend of high-profile endorsements for Sen. John McCain, a group of former North Vietnamese soldiers who held McCain as a prisoner of war for over five years has thrown support behind the republican presidential candidate.
In endorsing McCain, the group lauded the Arizona senator’s bravery, toughness, and heroism in light of horrible atrocities which were...
Rumsfeld steps down to spend more time invading...
Source: Rumsfeld to singlehandedly take on North Korea, go fishing, next weekend
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld resigned today in order to spend more time on personal hobbies such as beating baby seals to death and stalking writer Bob Woodward.
A source close to the former Defense Secretary said that his retirement means he’ll be able to spend more time on his greatest passions like...
Iowa captures all '08 candidates
State says it will only release prisoners if they promise to never come back to Iowa again.
Des Moines, Iowa — Representatives from the key primary state of Iowa announced today that state police have detained every major presidential candidate during various campaign stops over the past week. Governor Chet Culver released a videotape stating that the hostages would be freed only if Iowa...
President allows photos taken of himself with...
Bogor, Indonesia — In a move designed to stress a U.S. desire for stronger ties with Indonesia, President Bush allowed photographers to witness him casually talking with almost a dozen brown-skinned people. It marked the first time since the lead-up to the 2004 presidential election in which the President has been publicly seen with non-white persons.
The immense gesture of participating...
President's Easter prayers for troops only heard...
Fort Hood, Texas — President Bush, worshipping at an Army post, prayed for peace Sunday in an Easter service about avoiding the forces of sin and doing what is right.
“I had a chance to reflect on the great sacrifice that our military and their families are making,” Bush said outside the chapel at Fort Hood, Texas, after the service. “I prayed for their safety, I prayed...
Report: America hated by all people on Earth,...
An alarming number of world citizens and intelligent primates hold anti-American views
WASHINGTON — A new survey conducted by the nonpartisan Pew Research Center show anti-American views are held by everyone outside America in addition to a growing consensus of intelligent primates. All people around the world oppose President Bush, and look unfavorably at U.S. motives in the Mid-East.
...
October 2006
1 post
Osama bin Laden personally campaigning for several...
Bin Laden said to be upbeat on campaign trail
With less than three weeks before the November election, the al-Qaida chief is traveling around the country at breakneck speed to help as many Republican candidates as possible.
The public appearances to support the candidates come on the heels of a new ad released by the Republican National Committee which prominently features Bin Laden.
Bin...
September 2006
1 post
President finally leaves Sarasota classroom after...
Bush: “Did I miss anything big?”
Sarasota, FL — President Bush completed reading children’s book “My Pet Goat” with an elementary school class early today and finally allowed the students and teachers in attendance to leave the classroom. Bush began reading the book on the morning of September 11, 2001 and has been criticized for staying in the classroom...
March 2004
1 post
Report: Americans feeling pinch of worldwide...
Official: “There’s only so much freedom in the world to go around. As Iraqis gain freedom, Americans lose it.”
GENEVA — Officials at the International Freedom Monitoring Center released a distressing report today outlining their dire predictions for the future of worldwide freedom supply shortages which could affect Americans for years.
“There’s only so...
August 2003
3 posts
Gore escapes from cage, gives speech at NYU
New York — Former Vice President Al Gore escaped from his underground Washington, DC compound into a surrounding forest last week while a handler was absent from his post. Gore gave a speech at New York University immediately after his escape, and authorities fear Gore could give more speeches to the public unless he is recaptured soon.
“We’re trying to get the word out that...
President orders air strikes against jackass with...
Loud noise from device had disturbed the serenity of Bush’s vacation at his Texas Ranch
Crawford, Texas — President Bush ordered full military air strikes against the jackass with the leaf blower next door from the backyard hammock of his ranch in Texas this afternoon.
President Bush announced the start of the military campaign against his next door neighbor’s Lawn Specialist...
President Aces Prostate Exam, Reconsiders Gay...
Bethesda, MD — President Bush is considering a major shift in his stance on the hot-button issue of gay marriage after he underwent his annual physical at National Naval Medical Center this week. A major portion of the examination was a prostate exam, which medical personnel on the scene described as “exhaustive.”
A White House source confirms that the President has...
June 2003
1 post
President to wear flight suit at all public...
Washington — President Bush made remarks at the annual Congressional Picnic on the South Lawn yesterday wearing the flight suit that he donned for his historic landing on the USS Lincoln in May. White House officials said that the President would wear the suit at every public function until election day in 2004.
Advisers said that the decision was made based on the success of Bush’s...
April 2003
2 posts
"Victory over Iraq" celebration draws tens to...
Historians say the mood is essentially nothing like 1945’s victory over Germany in WWII
New York — Americans filled with anxiety over the fate of the world under Iraq’s rule are resting easier, and taking to the streets, as the White House hinted today that President Bush would give a televised address to the nation announcing complete and total victory by coalition forces.
...
Americanization of Iraq complete: Baghdad now...
Ari Fleischer: “Iraq’s assimilation into American culture is at hand.”
BAGHDAD — As Iraq’s capital city falls into ruin brought about by its very citizens, American leaders expressed their pride in bringing Iraq under American influence.
“You’re seeing a reaction of people to oppression,” White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said. “The goal...