Poll: 20% of Democrats are fucking idiots, other profanities
According to a poll of Democratic voters conducted by Franklin & Marshall College’s Center for Opinion Research, roughly 20 percent of respondents are goddamn assholes, shiteaters, and cockgobblers, among other descriptions laced with profanity.
The poll found that 20 percent of Obama supporters would vote for Republican John McCain if Clinton wins the Democratic nomination. Similarly, poll results show that 19 percent of Clinton supporters would vote for McCain if Obama wins the Democratic nomination.
Berwood Yost, director of the Floyd Institute for Public Policy, says that these numbers essentially mean that 20% of registered Democrats are cocksucking motherfuckers.
“We were surprised when we calculated the results to learn that one out of every five Democrats are total fucking shitbags,” said Yost. “But the numbers don’t lie. These people are moronic douchebags, and we have the evidence to prove it.”
One respondent to the poll defended his fuckhead position that he intends to cross party lines if his favored candidate does not get the nod.
“Look, I know the differences between Hillary and Barack are microscopic when you compare them to McCain’s positions. I know that both Democrats want to get us out of Iraq as soon as possible while McCain intends to keep us there for God knows how long. But this isn’t just about issues,” the stupid little mouthbreather said.
“My favorite candidate is just awesome and the other one is just a loser and I’m gong to do my best to prove that to everyone, no matter what.”
Family’s heads explode after accidently watching 3 minutes of BBC World News
The Willis family of Wyoming, all fans of FOX News Channel since its debut ten years ago, watched Brit Hume and Shepard Smith over dinner every evening
Coroner blames tragic accident on faulty antenna, faggy Eurotrash
As Fox News Channel celebrates a decade of excellence in New York, a small town in Wyoming is seeking answers after a tragic incident in which an entire family’s heads all spontaneously exploded while enjoying dinner and the evening news.
Officials first on the scene in the normally quiet town of Ranchester said that the television was tuned to a public access channel with the day’s broadcast of BBC World News wrapping up. No signs of foul play were found in the Willis home, just as no explanations have been offered by the local police department.
While there were no witnesses who survived the terrible ordeal, neighbors said they heard shouting and screaming before the deep “thud” which blew out the living room windows at the Willis home.
“I was outside and heard Jack (Willis) screaming at the T.V., really mad,” said next-door-neighbor Brad Kuntz. “First it sounded like he was really confused, then like he was really angry, and finally like he was in some real pain.”
Another neighbor told investigators that he heard a woman pleading “It’s okay, it’s only that Alan Colmes wuss” in a probable attempt to calm the family down before they met their gruesome end.
A tape of the BBC World News broadcast from that fateful evening was obtained by local detectives, but no one has yet volunteered to attempt to watch it.
“God only knows what is on that tape,” said a city official who wished to remain anonymous. “I have nightmares just thinking what could be there.”
Election Day moved to yesterday due to terror concerns
Republicans pull off stunning upset
Official: Precinct voting locations, dates, times had to be kept secret for citizens’ safety
Washington — The national election scheduled for today has been rescheduled to yesterday, and preliminary results show that Republicans have maintained decisive control of Congress. The Federal Election Commission said that the threat of a major terrorist attack forced the rescheduling, which was so abrupt that the government had no time to inform citizens of the change.
Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said that the threat of terror would not affect the outcome of a major election. “No terror threat will ever be allowed to stop Americans from exercising their right to choose to support the Republican agenda,” said Secretary Chertoff.
Officials credit the government’s total secrecy regarding polling locations and the date and times they would be open with the success of avoiding a major attack. “Al Qaeda would have loved to get some of that information, but we wisely kept it out of their reach,” said a Homeland Security official.
President Bush spoke to the nation after the low number of votes were counted by the handful of precincts who actually received votes. “The terrorists have lost again,” the President declared. “The winners are the American people who somehow found themselves in a polling location sometime between two o’clock and two-thirty this morning by some random act of God and were able to participate in the democratic process.”
Cheat codes for Diebold voting machines to enhance voting experience
Official: “What good is democracy if it’s not fun and unpredictable?”
Diebold Elections Systems confirmed today that the latest version of their proprietary voting software includes numerous cheat codes which can be used by voters to unlock special ballot areas which award votes to candidates via several unique, interactive methods.
Video-game channel G4’s Cheat! series originally broke the story during last week’s broadcast after a review of Diebold’s brand-new software.
A Diebold official acknowledged the presence of the cheat codes, which have since been published on several websites and in gaming magazines.
“The cheat codes are there to make voting more fun,” said a Diebold spokesperson. “This way, if you get stuck on the second level of a screen of boring amendments, you don’t have to just quit. You can enter a code and it opens a whole new realm of entertainment and interaction.”
“Our research shows that the demographics of voters are changing, that younger people are using our products. This is merely an effort to reach a new audience. We’re a business after all, and satisfying our customers is our bottom line — whether it’s a state elections official or not.”
Reports of working cheat codes and their effects are floating around the internet in forums and chat rooms.
“To get to the networked version of Grand Theft Auto: Washington, DC, you hit ‘Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start’ before you do anything. You’ll then be able to play against any other voters in the same precinct as you,” read one example found at a cheat code community website.
“The best advice I can give you is to find a Rampage power-up and take out as many people who are registered as whatever political party you want to nail — just look for the elephant or donkey icon over their heads — or looking at the skin color often is just as good if you’re mowing people down en masse. Also, the flame thrower is your friend,” the website informed.
Early voters claim that Diebold’s tweaks truly enhance the voting experience.
“They’ve really improved the graphics. The modeling and shading is beautiful, and if you’re any good you can get your candidate an extra thousand-or-so votes,” said a Volusia County, Florida man who voted early.
“Unfortunately, the dude next to me kinda sucked, so he had negative votes for his candidate after it was all over, whoever that was” said the voter. “Sorry dude, but that’s democracy. Right?”
President expected to remind nation that he still has 357 days to fuck you up
President Bush’s last State of the Union address is expected to serve as a harsh reminder to the American people that he doesn’t leave office until January 20, 2009, still providing him ample opportunities to personally rape the entire world, administration officials said.
Bush will systematically go though the litany of plans he has for the rest of his term, White House spokesman Tony Fratto said. These initiatives may or may not include at least one more war in the Middle East, dissolution of the United States into the new American Union, and the revocation of Amendment 22, which concerns presidential term limits.
“The president also wants to ensure the American people not get distracted by the primary elections currently taking place,” Fratto said. “He’s still the president and he can send anybody to Guantanamo Bay, whether they’re running for president or not.”
The president spent Sunday afternoon at the White House rehearsing the address and its elaborate special-effects laden finale.